Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The cats activated the rainbow portal again

Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.

“Parkour” I yell, as I fall during my sobriety test

*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*

My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?

I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.

Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings

I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.

DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*

Boss – can you pass a piss test?

Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?

*limbos under the caution tape

I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist

My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence

For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.

shampoo implies shampee

Ah, the suitcase at the end of the trip. Seeing all the things you brought but didn’t use. A time to reflect upon the lack of knowledge you have of yourself and the world around you.

Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again

Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?

“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”

She has a name you know!

“What is it?”

…Paige.

doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady

my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*

me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*

WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers

ME:

WIFE:

ME:

WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers

My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.

What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.

Husband: Why aren’t you and the kids outside? It’s beautiful outside!

Me: It’s pretty beautiful inside, too.

Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my cvs receipt to finish printing

Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.

Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.

My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004

It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.

*Receives good, solid, sound advice.

*Does exact opposite.

All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets

there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now