Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That’s someone else’s problem.

-me, putting back a pen that wouldn’t write

HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century

Why is fruit so expensive?

I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.

Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..

And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.

I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.

I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.

I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her

Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.

Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.

I trust that will be the end of that.

I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.

Saw two dads share a dad joke out in the wild.
At a grocery store, two guys exchanging a cart. The guy taking the cart said “did ya put some gas in it?” And the other guy patted the cart and said “yep, filled ‘er up for ya” and they had a good little chuckle together

I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.

Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.

Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.

[first day as a botany professor]

me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?

student: to reproduce?

me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically

ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris

Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood

Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*

This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.

I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.

Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.

me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”

A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:

Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw

Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment

Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti

I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!

Playing Silent Hill and honestly there’s a fair amount of noise in this game.

Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”

Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”

Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?

One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.

97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.

My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”

So I’m guessing my days are numbered.

Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards