Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone has left me a voicemail. I don’t know what to do. Open the phone app? The contacts? Do I turn on the TV?

There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:

Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”

I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero

“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”

– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.

The happy life.. 😊

Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.

Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.

Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!

Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.

Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.

*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract

I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?

OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.

*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!

salesman: you’ll like this car

me: how many dogs fit in it

salesman: how many what

me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before

doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’

me: why are we on the roof

Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!

Put on my glasses….

Damn it!

If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”

The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.

*being murdered*

Him: You should of kept your mouth shut

Me: No. It’s should HAVE

*gets stabbed another 84 times*

If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.

Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.

*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*

*you’re cured*

This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life

If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?

My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.

me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]

person: take $6??

So, slam poetry is not a wrestling move, the more you know

figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives

I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges