[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
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entitled millennials are “quiet nourishing” – taking 20, even 30 minutes out of the middle of the work day to eat food. we interviewed 87 corporate bosses who hate it
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
My first son he is wonderful
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Work crush came by to drop off zip ties while I was on the phone so I missed the opportunity to smile creepily and say “sorry we had to ask, I just don’t keep zip ties around… anymore.” Bc that’s how I flirt.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high