@T_N_Crumpets

[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]

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@skitzoette

“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”

@iwearaonesie

me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that

@PetrickSara

My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run

@sixfootcandy

Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.

@BDGarp

When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.

@stevemarriott

[Preparing for a heist]

Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?

Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo

@IvoryGazelle

healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok

@LeBearGirdle

Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis

Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?

@LurkAtHomeMom

Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.

@BeckFlatley

I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.