Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]

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“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”


me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that


My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run


Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.


When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.


[Preparing for a heist]

Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?

Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo


healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok


Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis

Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?


Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.


I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.