Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”

If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.

Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”

[working at a candle factory, day four]

ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; you either have a naked window neighbor or you are the naked window neighbor

Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.

Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.

My ex just followed me on Twitter.

That said:

“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”

*BLOCKED*

My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”

I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: hindsight

professor x: that won’t help us

me: yes i see that now

If you see something, say something.

My dog: i got this

You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.

I found a doctor online and I was happy because I could sign up for an appointment without contacting anybody. Since 3:15pm yesterday, I have received 13 contacts from them for today’s appointment.

losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild

I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.

Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.

Me: Yes, but do go on…

[speed dating]

HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.

ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom

I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation

When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.

Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm

I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.

I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White

My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.

more water

I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.

An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.

[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome

Me: What’s with the look?

Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?

Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?

Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.

*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*

Me: That’s suspicious