Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist

My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.

I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.

*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost

Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-

[semi-truck drives by]

Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?

what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings

I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”

*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?

I took two years of anger management courses

Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores

Normalize the Christmas piñata so you can “miss” and whack Uncle Frank who’s being a dickwad.

Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.

I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.

Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?

Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*

Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.

Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.

Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said

*cooking dinner*

Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.

Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight

I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.

*First and last date:

“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”

I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.

DAD: You’re adapted.

SCREENPLAY: What?!

I have worked as a chef for over twenty years, and I can confirm that the “correct” way to cook scrambled eggs is whichever way makes you happy.

Me: Hello darkness my old friend

Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan

I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.

[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family

DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here

Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.

If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?

I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.

Boss: “What companies are those?”

Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”

booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity