Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches

“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not

When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.

wife: you need to do more around the house

me: can you change the subject please?

wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you

Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠

*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*

My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions

Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.

[La Brea Tarpits]

ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times

SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway

I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.

Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes

Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?

Me: He has moved on to a better place.

Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!

Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.

[social gathering]

guy: wow, you work in an ER?

me: yep

guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?

me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit

Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?

No?

For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman

No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.

Man: I’ll have the steak

Waiter: And, for your side?

M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.

“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”

How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?

Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?

Requirements:

– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)

I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.

5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?

Me: No

Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?

Me: Because he’s met me

guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”

Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?

Please tell me I’m not alone on this.

me: i have good and bad news

her: bad first

me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks

her: what’s the good news

me: i found waldo

You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.

#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral

[bedtime]

daughter: dad, i’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while i’m sleeping

me: don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first

daughter: …

me: night, sweetheart

Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?

Me: Yes!

Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?

Me: Yes!

grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones

me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not