Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.

I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.

Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)

Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”

Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.

Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..

Driveway when it snows

I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.

Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.

[first date]

Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole

Her: I know how juice boxes work

Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?

[after getting pulled over]

cop: are you registered

me: i don’t vote

cop: i meant the car

me: no it doesn’t vote either

Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.

The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.

Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time

The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.

Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.

I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.

I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol

A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.

Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*

I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.

Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?

Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?

What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?

me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-

sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet

Detective: Don’t leave town.

Me, thinking about gas money: Ok

The best part about sleeping alone is not having to share my blanket or rotisserie chicken

Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”

every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense

It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.

[NASA March 1970]

Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?

NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!

[NASA April 1970]

[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]

[restaurant]

ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday

WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house

ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or

FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week

ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you