Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?

“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children

When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.

When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane

Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.

“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”

Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%

what’s really going on

Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.

My brain is a bad influence on me

Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.

[Family of lizards]

Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings

Little lizard: ahem

Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance

I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them

I could never give up my dog, he knows too much

“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm

[job interview]

Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?

Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.

i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.

Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.

I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.

She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok

*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*

He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe

Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.

A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too

[Traffic stop]

Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!

how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”

*swipes right by accident*

Him: You’re not really my type.

Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.

they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”

Smallpox sounds so adorable

her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where

me: [under breath] whereapist

A small tragedy.

*Husband playing computer game*

Me: I’m going to go pee.

Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.

Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.

Husband: OK. Enjoy.

Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.