Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights

Is Mercury still in the microwave?

wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”

Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?

If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.

They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.

karate teacher: shatter that board

me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched

teacher: not like that

board: *crying* yeah not like that

Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!

it may seem bad right now, but at least everyone is armed. and completely unhinged.

Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.

The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.

woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing

[at the mechanic]

me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..

mechanic: that’s the horn

I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters

Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?

Me: Yes, I love potato salad.

Nutritionist: no

*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…

Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.

My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.

You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.

After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies

I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.

Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!

Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.

My dad asked my mom for an experience instead of a gift for his birthday so she booked him a colonoscopy

Bro is the definition of a new yorker 😭 😭

Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.

Peter: *harpoons a guy*

Jesus: Too literal, bro.

At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.

DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman

“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.

She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.

Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.

Woman: I’m a penguin.

Therapist: No, I meant lie down.

You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?

It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.