Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Secret admirer got a raise! Finally, decent chocolates.

While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.

Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.

[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.

“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*

The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.

One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’

I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.

I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”

Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.

I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.

Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.

Dog:

Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.

Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki

I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.

Sometimes it’s in my bra.

Person: Do you have a license for that thing?

Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked years ago.

“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.

– Low key.

Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?

Ironic

Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?

Son: The end.

YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.

Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.

Them: Just act casual
Me:

Dating over 40 is like Hide and Seek but no one is looking for you

These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.

According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.

Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.

DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze

Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play

Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.

Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.