Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”

him: I’m like the potato of people

me: lumpy

him: no, I-

me: covered in dirt

him: god dammit

Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.

I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.

I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:

At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them

Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold

My girlfriend: Want me to help?

Me: No I th-

My Girlfriend: Okay

Brat summer is out, attic wife autumn is in. We’re hissing at people. We’re withdrawing from society. We’re growing our hair below our waist. We’re setting fire to his curtains. We’re gaslighting his new side piece.

Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room

Omg, I love where this is going.

~Me hearing a good recipe.

My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.

If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.

BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive

My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.

-my suicide note

Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.

Husband: But you just woke up.

Me: Exactly.

Partner: I’m breaking up with you

Me: Oh why?

Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird

Me: Oh. I see. OK

therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?

me: no thanks, I’m self-centered

therapist: again, that’s why we’re here

This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert

{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.

Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.

How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?

The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.

If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.

I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”

[leaning over bathroom sink]

Me: *clips fingernail*

Fingernail: *lands in Italy*

I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.

[first day at pet store]

me: you want this boxed?

her: you can’t box a goldfish

me: [lacing up gloves] watch me

parents: you are what you eat
kids:

Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.

The right person will know this subtweet is about them.