Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.

Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.

I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?

What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback

They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.

Like that’s going to dissuade me.

Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”

One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!

[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then

Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.

What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?

I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.

i smell a pulitzer

Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.

Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?

There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.

My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.

my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill

me: *just sitting there all 40*

*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*

They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.

Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore

RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket

Amazon prime in the future:

Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow

Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?

I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.

Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.

I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done

9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.

The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.

Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.

Childbirth is so beautiful

me: do you want to play some ps4?

frenchman: oui

me: no we only have the playstation

i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.

I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.