Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly

—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?

Me:

Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment

See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket

I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.

Karate and loose meat sandwiches.

Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.

All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing

when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak

Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down

Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother

“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.

Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.

Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.

OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?

ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex

If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.

Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.

I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.

My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.

Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing

Me: fine

[Later]

Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands

The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.

Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0

Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971

“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”

~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person

ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.

HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?

ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*

me: *having prostate examination*

doc: omg, when was this last wiped?

me: WHAT

doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady

Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’

Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.

Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir

My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.

Have kids. It’s fun.

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome

My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.

No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.

REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?

ME: I did not realize that had started.

1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.

Make it a habit to cry and act unhinged at meetings so you’re never invited back