Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.

Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.

4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.

What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?

Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.

Kid Me: “I can’t wait till I become an adult, then I can stay up past 10:00pm”

Adult me at 9:30pm: “Zzzzzzzz”

My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.

GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?

Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*

*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live

My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter

Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*

Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*

ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha

PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]

ME: Oh no shit shit shit

[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot

me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?

I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.

Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?

Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.

Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.

Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.

Married with Children was much funnier on TV.

The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.

In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.

[rubs magic lamp]

GENIE: You get 3 wishes

“Anything?”

GENIE: No wishin for more wishes

“I wish for more genies”

GENIE: I don’t like you

very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.

Best Halloween yard decorations 😂

Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.

It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing

Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.

Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.

*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*

Me serving decaf

I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!