Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye

When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.

When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.

YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.

I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car

Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.

What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!

What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.

Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved

I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out

Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.

jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.

I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.

[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]

Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.

Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat

People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.

Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?

Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs

Her: pull my hair!

Edward Scissorhands: oops

Her: why oops?

My 4yo screamed at the top of his lungs at 6:45am this morning, we are staying at my in laws, so I said “I’m not sure everyone likes it when you scream like that.” Then, from the other side of the room, my 18mo who last week could barely say 10 words, “Winnie like it”

The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.

If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it

I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.

TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u

Can’t, The Thundercats need me.

Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.

Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.

Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?

Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.

I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause

Whoops