Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.

HO_SE BOAT

I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat

*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*

This is my pinned tweet

One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely

My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.

Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.

I meant to write, “on god” but wrote, “on guard” by accident and now I gotta duel with the homies at dawn.

When I asked my son who the best reader in his class was, he said, “probably ms sue.”

“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.

Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:

Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser

Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.

You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.

Annnnd that’s how the fight started.

This is the coolest video you will see today.

My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.

Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!

Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!

If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse

My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.

Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.

The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.

I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”

Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.

There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.

Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.

There’s a serious limit in how much one can take

Her: what’s your favorite position

Me: devil’s advocate

Her: i meant sexual position

Me: but what if you didn’t

I painted a hot chick with big jugs