Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Detective: how were u able to do it?

Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder

I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.

Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.

I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car

I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.

I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”

My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.

your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me

I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.

Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?

The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.

Boss: Are you high?

Me: If I was high could I do this?

B: What? You aren’t doing anything

M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?

[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen

I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.

me: you remind me of my college boyfriend

husband: you never told me about him

me: we just started dating. he’s a junior

I must learn to listen to myself when I tell myself to shut up.

My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”

[Camping]

Her: You didn’t bring food?

Him: No

Her: Or toilet paper?

Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?

Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche

[Biker gang initiation]

Hey fellas, do I use baseball or hockey cards in my spokes

My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.

If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic

Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice

Remember to recycle your pizza boxes

It’s for the Greta good

ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE

Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English

Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.

If the Universe is continuing to expand then why does my rent keep going up?

Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…