Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.

I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels

Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.

Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.

My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain

Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…

You don’t have to worry about me when I’m hangry but you should keep your distance when I’m sleevil (sleepy + evil)

Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.

My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.

Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?

One of my henchmen asked “ey boss what da heck does Hench mean” and I had to shoot him in front of the others. I looked up the etymology in my lair later and it was actually kinda interesting

shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever

My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars

I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed

the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .

I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me

Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!

I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician

I will punch you in the face.

OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.

Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.

Wife: Hey can you-

Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.

Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.

I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.

so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.

*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*

If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.

I am so sorry.

Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER

6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out

[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon

Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?

my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u