Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got tricked into going for a 10 mile hike for a waterfall that ended up being 2 feet tall. Don’t talk to me.

Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.

One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.

When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:

“OK.”

One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.

It didn’t work, unfortunately.

They found us.

dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests

date 5: i don’t think the moon is real

[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it

me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that

Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby

Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart

I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.

Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.

Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.

I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.

Food puns are my love language

…what, they make me corny.

It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?

“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”

“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.

My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.

Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.

Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?

Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer

I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire

my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die

Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?

Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.

Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?

Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.

I feel the need, the need for tweed.

– Professors at Top Gun

If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.

[CPR dummy coming home from work]

WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?

DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job

you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant