Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.

Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing

A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.

I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat

Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s

Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips

I was heating up some kimchi fried rice in the microwave when IT EXPLODED WITH A HUGE BOOM and I opened it up like WTF because there was rice and kimchi everywhere.

My wife: Maybe that was from North Korea.

Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing

HER: I love Deadpool

ME: I love Dead Pool

HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?

ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?

told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something

*walks in*

Nope!

*does a 360° and walks in further*

Ah that’s why I failed geometry

What makes us human?

Selecting all images with traffic lights

TV 20 years ago: “it starts out clunky but if you suffer through the first 45 episodes it starts to almost get good!”
TV now: “If this 8hrs of tv doesn’t break all viewing records within the first 20 minutes of its release we’re going to shoot the cast”

Hot tip for dog owners:

Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER

Me: (Sigh) There she is.

Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.

Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!

:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”

At least we know scientists somewhere are finding a way to make humans sweat hallucinogens like those toads, so there will finally be a perk to all this stress about climate change and we all have a happier apocalypse.

Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.

Memoirs of a Fish Stick

I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?

Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.

A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face

I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.

Weirdos gonna weird.

Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels

Me: You have to do your homework.

My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?

Me: Obviously yes.

if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up

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Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?

Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…

I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn

Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog

My six year old has recently discovered the existence of “opposite day,” and in keeping with the theme let me just say I love it. It’s a lot of fun.