Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.

Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today

*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples

OMG the land line just rang

OMG we still have a land line

A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.

[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you

Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.

Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.

People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:

Samwise’s Lord of the Wings

Tyler Durden’s Chowder House

Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)

Short Round’s Tempura of Doom

Hannibal’s

what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen

what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.

Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.

If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.

i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport

*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king

I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.

If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.

The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.

Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place

While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy

I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.

After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.

Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”

No thanks Black Friday crowds.

I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.

Meghan Markle: breathes

Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.

They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.

I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.

So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF

My job sucks but it pays the bills.

Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.

You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.