[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
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Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
There is no “ea” in Tim.
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
checking out some reviews of my local library
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
My what?
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.