[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
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peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
#IWishIHadNever noticed
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Introverted vegans go meetless
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
So true for me
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.