Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?

[on deathbed]

“Tell my Wif… *cough*”

Yes? Tell her what?

“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”

[dies]

Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder

Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.

Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.

Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town

Everyone else time travelling: *preventing wars or the spread of disease*

Me: *buys multiple pairs of my favorite shoes they’ve stopped making*

How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face

I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”

before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?

Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire

I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.

*eats an entire pant leg of cookies*

MOST RESTAURANTS:

Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”

me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness

waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this

(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*

(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*

Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*

Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between

I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!

I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.

*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*

Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.

People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?

Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.

Narrator: He he not gotten very far.

*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?

Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.

[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.

Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum

Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.

BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond