[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
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if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
If I was a marriage counselor, I would make the couple each use ANY dating app for 2 minutes.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
I cleaned under the fridge and the stove. Found 47 dog treats and 3 ibuprofen. So an even 50 treats then.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.