Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands

Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.

I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”

I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.

just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again

bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore

All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.

8: mommy I want to study pastrami

Me: why pastrami specifically?

8: I’m just super interested in the stars

Me: astronomy you mean astronomy

8: pretty sure it’s pastrami

I’m a new werewolf and I have questions

-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods

Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.

Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.

I trust that will be the end of that.

Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]

My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.

Aliens traveled millions of light years to get here to visit New Jersey.

8yo: *drawing family portrait*

Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?

8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*

Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.

Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”

Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him

Cats (2019)

pressed play on ‘moana’ on disney plus and they hit me with a trailer for ‘moana 2.’ pissin me off. now i know moana doesn’t die in ‘moana’

ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.

MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!

[tinder date]

me: oh wow this is awkward

sunset: *just kinda sets there*

me: but i thought you were, you know

sunset: *still setting*

me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh

sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*

Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.

Me: *destroys spider web

Spider: wow

Me: *puts up fake spider web

Spider: WOW

My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.

[College admissions office]

“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”

ME: that’s wack

All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.

yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!

*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”

*Drunk dials Mr. Clean

My house is soooooo dirty right now.

Be nice to us folks who wear glasses. We paid money to see you.