Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.

I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.

“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago

cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking

me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts

cop: no I’m just high—wait a second

me: too late ur under arrest

I still have dents in my head from sleeping in hair curlers

Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends

Me: That’s not even a real number

Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.

life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder

[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha

Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.

Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.

We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”

We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.

The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.

my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”

According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.

I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer

coworker: how was your weekend?

me: sucked, I had to move

coworker: you sold your house?

me: no, my wife made me get off the couch

Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.

The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate

I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit

Him: It’s like people are going feral.

Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*

It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.

Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!

My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.

Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.

I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…

if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.

Therapist: and what do we do about people who hurt us
Me: we go to a cemetery and fill up a jar of cemetery dirt, add a piece of their hair and fingernail clippings, add a chicken bone then scream at it for a month?
Therapist: NO