[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
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If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
I love you to the refrigerator and back
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
I’m gonna tell my kids these were the Avengers
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
I feel like people just come to the airport to cough
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
dutch is not a serious language
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️