me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private

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Nothing sadder than the look on my dogs face when I drop food from the table and they realize it’s lettuce.


HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?

ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one


What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.


my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”


If one door closes and another door opens, then probably your in a jail.


“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*


GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!

ME: It






Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”

Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”