[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
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What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.