God: Welcome to Heaven. You’ll be getting your wings soon.
Me: Spicy or honey bbq?
God: Get out.
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
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If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
“And the guy’s name was Anthony WEINER? Come on” – high school AP U.S. history student, 2046
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
[being choked to death]
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.