[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
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Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding