Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY

Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited

The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.

“What should we call ourselves?”

How about 22 pilots?

“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”

21 pilots?

“Omg”

I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.

We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us

1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up

“Am I The A******? I punted my son into a volcano for not doing his homework”

A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth

The doctor tried using the stethoscope on CJ and he goes “no no, EYE baby doc” and tried using the stethoscope on the doctor 🤣 doc goes “hey man I worked hard to use this stethoscope, what are your credentials?” Cj goes “im baby” doc goes “ok that’s fair you can go first” 😂😂

5 yo- can I roll down the car window?

Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.

“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes

Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars

The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!

Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.

me: omg you’re dying

my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room

me: [crying] I wish I could help

Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.

At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit

No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.

If you get injured playing peekaboo, you end up in the ICU.

i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.

I pray every night that I never become religious…

*Steve Carell washes hands*

*Steve Purell*

I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!

How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?

Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie

Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.

A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:

“Bit windy”