Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”

I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.

Things I constantly worry about pressing:

1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spot

Yes, this list is in order.

{batman walking downstairs}

“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”

[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]

I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.

Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.

I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address

Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?

Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”

Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”

Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.

Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual

WebMD: *Blocked

9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!

Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?

9: It matters for two minutes.

[David Attenborough voice]

And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.

I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”

Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.

I’d always wondered what happen to those guys!

COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u

*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?

Me when someone tries to get to know me

They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog

Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.

I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.

My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.

“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”

Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.

thought i lost my wallet today but then i found it. free endorphin booster if you’re stupid enough

When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower

Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.

Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks

🤣could you imagine

im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion

Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.

Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.