Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.

judge: how can this be your defense?

me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?

Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!

Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ

He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me

Boss: Are you high?

Me: If I was high could I do this?

*teleports two inches to the right*

What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??

9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.

my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on

she really is living her best life

Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.

I’m not saying I’m an idiot…

But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.

Friend: What have you been watching lately?

Me: Zoom

like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.

the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments

DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!

20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.

30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.

40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.

Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.

If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.

Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow

Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.

I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.

The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.

There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.

Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.

If you love someone, set them free.

When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.

It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??

You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.

I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great

I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.

Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep

Doctor: that’s quite normal

Old lady: and then a bird

Doctor: what