[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
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{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
I get so annoyed when horror movies begin with the family moving to a new house, and the parents say “This place will be good for us. We will finally be happy here.”
But you already know they’re not going to be happy, because the movie is called “The Ghost That Ate Grandma”.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet