[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
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Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
*3.5 thank you very much.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars