[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
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Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
how much for the angry fruit?
Nice to have free crisps in the hotel room and these look definitely fit for Consumption.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
“Dad, what’s a forklift?”
“Food, usually.”
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.