Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
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listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.