Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”

~ It’s all about the empathy.

I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts

Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.

If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle

There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl

I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.

This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.

life lately

Become ungovernable.

titanic

Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising

Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it

My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing

Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.

i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions

A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.

He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.

Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.

I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down

I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.

“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter

H: where did you move after your divorce?

Me: On.
I moved on.

Everyone: We’re concerned about you.

Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?

I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.

*drops pizza slice on the floor

Hey can I get another slice?

*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice

I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.

It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery

a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.

Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*

Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids