Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.

Alas, this is not so.

*My parents at my birth*

Mom: she’s beautiful

Dad: she’s perfect.

Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.

It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.

It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites

Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.

I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.

I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.

I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.

Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.

So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.

Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’

*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice

Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.

God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.

My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.

Saint Peter: Name

M: David

SP: You’re in

M: Even after that night in Nogales?!

SP *winks*

*takes a step*

*trap door opens*

SP: Sucka!

I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove

Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.

Murderer:

WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE

Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.

PSA: be sure to put your cup underneath the coffee maker before you turn it on

I need to get organized and plan ahead

*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey

Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts

Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.

5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me

4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube

I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.

Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone

doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go

Been banned from every restaurant in my town for refusing to stop calling lasagna ‘Italian meat cake’.

Meanwhile in Heaven…

Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.

absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit

NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??

We’re having leftover pizza.

boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them

me: oh, I don’t.

boss:

me: anything else?