Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: What are you up to?

Her: I’m making Chinese.

Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.

A minute, 45 seconds.

How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.

If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.

Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.

Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.

me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up

[parking lot in the 80’s]

*man appears to be having a heart attack*

MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR

ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead

I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“

…As if I plan on eating it.

“I don’t have a library card, can I get on a computer?”
“You don’t have a card?”
“Nope.”
“But the printing. And ebooks.”
“No thanks.”
“And databases and DVDs.”
“Nah.”
“And every year on your birthday library workers come to your house and sing.”
“Really?”
“One way to find out.”

cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please

my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh

*finds a corpse in the house*

Oh great, more cleaning.

I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so

I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.

I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.

Coffee for people with no kids

PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.

[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one

Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”

A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do

Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.

Went and got a new library card.

Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.

I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy

My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.

The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.

Him: There’s a snake in the house. Do you want to stay at my mom’s?
Me: How big is the snake?

[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenade

SARGE: mine

ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade

I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore

Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain

Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.

My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured

My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE

Me: *gives her a little bit*

My Dog: I have diarrhea