Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
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Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
so weird how every mom was born today
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Hey babe, are you my 47th open browser tab, because you are not responding
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you