@jakegunst

Restaurants: stop calling things homemade.

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@Sean_Burgundy_

Winning a fight with your gf is like winning a vacation to Detroit. Don’t get too excited

@lilgapeach30

Ate reduced fat cheese on low calorie bread and my taste buds had me indicted for hate crimes.

@Parkerlawyer

I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.

@joejwest

[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing

@sixfootcandy

Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.

@BoogTweets

The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.

@wittwitbarista

Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell

@BunAndLeggings

My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.

@dave_cactus

When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.

@kwirkyKerri

I don’t have a pet so I decided to adopt the spider living in the corner of my kitchen. Her name is Monique. I hope she isn’t knocked up.