@jakegunst

Restaurants: stop calling things homemade.

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@tastefactory

ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit

@garbagecoven

my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.

@AtRichieK

A restraining order but it’s just me sending these watery noodles back to the kitchen.

@darinlovesbacon

Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty

@SuperApple8

Millions are killed each year because they go potty without checking behind the shower curtain first. Be smart. Peep before you poop.

@Chumpstring

COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search

@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”

@Playing_Dad

Cashier: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: I didn’t know there was going to be a test at the end.