#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
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When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
When does CPR become necrophilia?
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.