Restaurants: stop calling things homemade.

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ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help


my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.


A restraining order but it’s just me sending these watery noodles back to the kitchen.


Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty


Millions are killed each year because they go potty without checking behind the shower curtain first. Be smart. Peep before you poop.


COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search


Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”


Cashier: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: I didn’t know there was going to be a test at the end.