Restaurants: stop calling things homemade.

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Winning a fight with your gf is like winning a vacation to Detroit. Don’t get too excited


Ate reduced fat cheese on low calorie bread and my taste buds had me indicted for hate crimes.


I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.


[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing


Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.


The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.


Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell


My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.


When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.


I don’t have a pet so I decided to adopt the spider living in the corner of my kitchen. Her name is Monique. I hope she isn’t knocked up.