Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.

Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.

making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this

“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out

You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…

No matter what the store manager says.

Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐

Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.

And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago

I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”

Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?

Me: 👌

Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™

My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.

I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.

Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string

Jeff: i’m pro gun.

Me: i’m anti gun.

Greg: i’m vegan.

Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.

While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.

Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.

Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”

Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.

I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.

I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.

So I pulled down my pants.

Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁

Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.

I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.

Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.

One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward

How to cure a headache

1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.

I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.

When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”

my dentist & his assistant stare gleefully at me, waiting for me to sign the document that would give them the legal authority to install an extra row of teeth in my mouth just like sharks have

Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.