Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mind is like a sponge.

It spends most of its time in filthy places.

Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”

Welcome

*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?

Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.

Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…

Me: exactly

Teller:…

Me: Can I still have a lollipop?

I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.

A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.

“You looked stressed”

Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”

I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.

No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.

Square dancing in elementary school really had me expecting more hoedowns as an adult

THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?

ME: Love.

T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?

M: Also love.

Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek

Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now

Renewed my membership this morning

Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?

Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink

Me: I drink it while I watch sports.

target is planning to open full bars in their stores. my wife will never come home now.

*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao

Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.

Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.

Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.

The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.

A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.

There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.

I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.

During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?

Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.

5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”

Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”

5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”

friend: why did you take up running?

me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason

When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .

Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce

If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.

Check your privilege