WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]

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My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.


ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT


Learning spanish is bloody hard. I wish the english had conquered more of the world, I’m suffering from their laziness


WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?

MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?

*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*


[job interview]

Interviewer: Have you ever laid brick before?
Me, a liar: Absolutely.


him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery

me: gotcha


me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*


Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.


The FAA has shut down airspace over Ferguson, which must be to stop the problem of people rioting and looting in the sky. #FergusonDecision


He looks at her,
she undresses him with her eyes
His clothes fall
Whoa whoa. Are you a witch lady because that was creepy..


If you want to play frisbee
Buy a frozen pizza instead of a frisbee
And when you get hungry from playing frisbee
Eat your frisbee