[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
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“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Sheep
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
All set.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death