Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*

Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.

HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.

All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.

Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.

{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?

Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”

Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*

If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin

i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults

I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.

LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed

Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.

My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.

Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”

[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”

my father died in a conga line and so shall i

[job interview]

Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?

How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?

Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.

when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo

Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…

Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!

Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?

Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?

Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess

sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa

You’re like a first job.

No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.

ME: There are 18 sheep.

RANCHER: Round ‘em up!

ME: There are 20 sheep.

People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.

Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?

Me: 100%

I illegally download music, but only Metallica.

They seem to be pretty cool about it.

*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*

*checks for abs, finds a clown

😭😭😭