Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.

[special ops briefing]

Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out

No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.

[in the bedroom]

Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.

Me: Okay.

H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*

Dog: I didn’t do it.

Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.

When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.

I repeat, don’t do it.

HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.

Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.

The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.

I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.

I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.

Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”

New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.

MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.

Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.

me: so what do you do?

date: I work with animals

me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun

“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm

“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.

“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish

Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.

Go to another app where everyone is happy and nice to each other? Gross, why?

Sounds about right! 💯
🌐

*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curves

Me, taking off my Spanx: behold

“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”

*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn

[In Court]

Does the Defense have any last words?

*defense rises* DE-FENSE

*Judge holds up picket fence*

DE-FENSE

*Jury starts The Wave*

dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun

I’m not saying my 6yo is dramatic, I’m just saying we heard a severe thunderstorm warning on the car radio, and he groaned and said ugh why does my day keep getting worse

I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.

[Date]

Her: Any hobbies?

Me: Monging mostly.

Her: Huh?

Me: I’m a monger

Her: Huh?

Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it