Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.

My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.

3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”

So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?

I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays

It will be called Side Chick.

Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*

Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.

Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”

There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything

Uglier.

Angel: But, sir…

I SAID UGLIER!

– God inventing cycling outfits.

We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.

A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.

Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.

Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]

Date: Wow your knee is huge

me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months

What do we want?

ROCK HARD ABS!

When do we want them?

THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!

Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now

*has hiccups for 30 seconds*

MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT

I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken

Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.

Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*

I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.

Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..

She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.

My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!

The invention of fish in the early 1900’s was the best thing to ever happen to the tartar sauce industry.

“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over

My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.

Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.

Him: You hit me three times!

inventing words: clothing

Tech support: What seems to be the problem?

Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!

TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.

gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better