[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
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I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
😜
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.