[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
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The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog