Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.

Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.

What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?

A parsnip.

5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”

INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?

ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.

ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock

WIFE: A WHAT?

ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous

DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*

You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.

Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.

Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.

If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??

Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒

I like when the rain is misty and you get to feel like a grocery store broccoli for a little while.

I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:

Broke my work phone. I can’t talk on it anymore. I should have done this a long time ago

For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.

[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job

I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.

My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.

A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.

You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.

Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.

Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.

Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.

Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah

*my cat, who has 3 different beds and a cat tree* I must sleep on the clothes you have laid out for the day

[inventing tupperware]

make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti

Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work

Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”

me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”

I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.

– a Memoir