Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.

Me:

Husband:

Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.

I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur

I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal

I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?

Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.

Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.

I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.

what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes

what my dog hears: goodbye forever

nude beaches are out, nude libraries are in

It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…

Being a lawyer is so funny because someone will have their dog off the leash at a park, barreling towards my dog, and jog screaming “oh, he’s friendly” and I’ll scream back “And you have strict and total liability if he isn’t” and suddenly they turn into Usain Bolt

Cop: Pullover!

Me: It’s a cardigan.

Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.

wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”

my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!

me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning

my niece: maybe a cat

Will you be my 14th most used emoji?

I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs

A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??

Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly

Me: How is your chicken?

Mario: It needsa salt.

Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*

Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD

I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.

Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.

People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.

“Did you hear there’s a Scottish pupil allowed to identify as wolf?”

‘Omg. Where?’

“No, just a normal wolf I think.”

my gf left me cuz i’m insecure

never mind she’s back she went pee

[Snow White sees her doctor]

Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot

Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.

Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!

First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n

Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?

Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!

Captain: *sniff* Yarrr

Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming