[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
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You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
men are simple creatures
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
When ur friends with white people
Broom by every window for quick escape.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”