Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.

Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.

Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.

Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.

If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.

A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience

The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?

me: one big skeleton please

clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s

me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please

I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.

“I’ve recently come into some money.”

*winks and hands over the few dollars I made at my garage sale to the bank teller to deposit into my account*

I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me

When your parents check you’re ok.

If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.

Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.

I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.

My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”

My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.

If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.

God has abandoned us.

*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*

“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”

a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.

Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody

me: ah the house is so clean now

sun rays shining through the window: you sure about that?

After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is

HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.

HIM: She’s mad at me.

*jogging*

Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up

Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*

extrovert self made too many plans this month, introvert self is pissed

A poet once gave
a pigeon helium, and
invented high coo.

I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.

I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.