[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
You Might Also Like
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”