Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At least try to make it slightly believable

If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.

I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.

I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.

Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.

This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.

In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.

This is true.

we stayed at an air bnb with the most perfect pillows. a revelation. perfectly firm but soft. my neck stopped hurting. so I wrote down the brand and item number from the tag and looked it up and they’re the same pillows we have at home

Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.

Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.

Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first

Boss: Where were you on Friday?

Me: It was a holiday.

Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!

Me: It is if you go as Christmas.

Boss:…

Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.

[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.

How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?

There is a football player named Drew Sample?

He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.

I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic

Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.

Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….

Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.

You can’t offend me I have teenagers.

I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.

What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?

Deceased

My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure

I don’t argue with my kids anymore. I just vacuum every surface of the living room while they’re trying to watch TV.

wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada

me: why? he’s not driving

In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.

Jesus: My moms a virgin.

Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.

[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁