Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?

1996: eww that’s gross

2016: head first without thinking

Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.

At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.

[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine

007: the name’s bond…james bond

me: nice to meet you bond james bond

007: just james bond

me: bond just james bond

007: no my full name is just james bond

me: nice to meet you just james bond

007: you know i can legally kill you

me: no, never met him

007: *draws weapon*

A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?

If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.

Me: Cute baby, when was she born?

New mother: Yesterday.

Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.

Interviewer: Biggest weakness?

Me: The delusions

Interviewer: Like what?

Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed

Bus driver: where are your pants?

12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight

Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”

– Chinese Checkers

Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left

Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.

Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.

Also me:

Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?

Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved

I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”

Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang

me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat

my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago

I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.

And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.

Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case

Word: sweet, I’ll change the font

Me: no no keep the font

Word: ok I’ll just change the size

Me: please keep the size the same

Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol

Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”

Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.

2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth

[watching the Lord of the Rings]

Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?

Wife: Sauron’s Wife.

Me: but he’s not married lol.

Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?

Me:

Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.

Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.

How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?

i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple

A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.

If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys