Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.

I bet Santa has 3 lists now:

Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.

Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.

“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”

Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!

Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?

Gallant is a goddamn psychopath.

Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.

Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”

My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.

*bolts upright in bed..

If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?

Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.

Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd

Ikea is like the Hotel California of furniture stores

Frankenstein: “Oh yeah? Well, I’m going to write a story about you!”

And thus, Frankenstein’s not-so-popular Mary Shelley biography was born.

When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.

whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!

me: anything interesting happen today?

my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.

Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”

He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.

Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there

They call it a coffin because you’re finally coughing up that inheritance, grandma

My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.

Me: Do you remember when I told you-

Husband: No.

Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.

Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.

Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?

Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere

Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes

Deathbed confession

Me: We’re bankrupt

Him: What? How?

Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time

Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.

me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*

her: nope just crazy

me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons

Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.

I coughed and I heard his pee stop.