[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
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HELP 😭
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.