Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*

Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.

Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.

My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth

She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face

He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.

3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in

How was your morning?

well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon

Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.

nurse: height

me: 6’4″

nurse: weight

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me: wait for what

A service where you bring a working printer to my house, I print the one thing I need, and you leave again until next year

A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.

I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.

me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you

CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.

My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:

yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes

Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why

First day as a 911 operator:

“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”

jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale

Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–

That’s what I call a flat tire

I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.

A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.

Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.

I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:

1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home

ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking

Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*

T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH

‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’

My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.

People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.

*Do not consume if seal is broken*

I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.

told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately

Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.