Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!

DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”

Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.

How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.

I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.

Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.

Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.

boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*

Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”

Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”

Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”

Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?

Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so

Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd

“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.

LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*

VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!

LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”

Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?

Me: Chloroform

If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.

Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.

You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

Merry Christmas

I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.

3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.

Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.

A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name

Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired

I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.

son: can I borrow your tie for my interview

dad: my what

son: I need a tie

dad: one more time

son: *sighs* your business necklace

mom: everyone has to learn to swim

kid: even jesus?

mom: of course

jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda

Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done

Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”

My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.

I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”

hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software