Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?

-Sentimental attachment.

-It just caught fire.

-Aww, just like old times.

I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.

I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.

My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.

DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change

ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage

What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.

Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE

ME: I played Wordle today

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Wordle is?

SON: no

ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?

SON: no

Just found a WhatsApp message to my friends from 2014 when I was living near Central Park. Little did I know it was a Kennedy

Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth

I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.

Welcome to the dark side.
We have….

Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.

Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.

no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭

my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?

me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one

WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down

ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*

BEE *depressed* holy shit

10: “What are we doing today?

Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”

10: “Then what are we going to do?”

Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”

Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?

Human: we are an advanced species

A: how do you travel?

H: we light old dinosaurs on fire

I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.

when someone messages me a minute after i login to work

friend: how’s the new job?

me: can’t complain

friend: what’s with the beeping collar?

me: *tearing up* can’t complain

i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane

WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES

Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grass

Things my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat food

Colour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and white

Synopsis: My cat is a cow

At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.

Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.

If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.

So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?