[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
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Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
The honesty is refreshing
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
Ancient curse, may you sit on a cushioned chair on the deck without checking first to see if it has dried from last night’s rain.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
hey yall i’m subletting my room from 6:15pm-8:57pm tonight while im at the gym, $76 + utilities
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
