[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
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[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
a badder mouse
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
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When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.