Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it

My kids lost a Barbie shoe.

I dug in the trash and found one.

It was from a set they didn’t know was missing

Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.

“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.

0/10 stars, would not recommend.”

– Super Mario Bros. Online review

My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.

Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?

Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot

Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”

Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”

*watches nature documentary*

*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*

not seeing the problem

It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.

My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.

As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.

a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real

Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid

Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*

Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you

You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”

ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?

I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid

If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.

Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution

I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami

When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.

Or so I’ve been told.

Twice now.

My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does

Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.

My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch

*eats a crab apple*

*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*

Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.

Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now

Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.

Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.

One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.

Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.