Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.

Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.

[Standards Bar]

Politician: Make it a double.

‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.

British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years

Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.

Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…

If I’m a bit quieter this week, it’s because I’m on a mission to to find out where you got the audacity

Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder

AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?

ME: No, I was happy with my first try.

There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.

In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.

Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.

Anyway, congrats on your engagement!

DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?

ME: {seductively} One sec.

[2 minutes later]

ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.

Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.

I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.

“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow

I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.

I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”

ME: I wasn’t invited to the party

FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic

ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone

5: are there people coming tomorrow?

me: no why?

5: well you guys cleaned the house

Me: Where do you want to eat?

Her: Wherever you pick is fine.

Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.

“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.

I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.

someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars

Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos

*Slams suitcase shut*

Me: Case closed.

Judge: Stop doing that.

Dearest Emma,

The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.

Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.

War is hell.

Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE

Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”

Me: What’s your favorite book?

Date: War and Peace

Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one