[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
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Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Don’t work for at least an hour after lunch or you’ll get cramps.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
no offense but it feels like the “cicadas that come out every 17 years” happen every single summer…
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
This will teach them to underestimate me
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping